Nov 20 2009
From the CEO of UK PLC
Dear Shareholder,
What a great week. We were able to announce record October borrowing levels, and a big leap in inflation. Our strategy of never knowingly underborrowed is going so well. You know you can rely on us to waste more and spend more than anyone else in the market.
Even better news was the coup I managed at the European sales conference with other state companies. We pretended to want to make our former CEO of UK PLC boss of the whole European outfit. That got them scared. He was even more disliked over there than here, and the last thing they wanted was more of what we had to put up with for ten long years when he was running the company. Do you remember those dark days? As Finance Director I had to follow some strange rules about borrowing and turn down some requests for more spending, whilst finding the money for dangerous missions in the Middle East.
So when they were all wound up about the possible return of my predecessor, I said we could be persuaded not to press his suit if we could be given the job of Overseas Director instead. They fell for it. So now we have been able to promote one of our former sales ladies to this role. I am sure having a representative placed in the higher escelons of the European structure will help us in our task of spending and borrowing more. I am pleased to say our financial contributions to the European joint venture are rising strongly, which helps with the expansionary budgets we are setting. They are masters at wasting other people’s money. I do so admire that in them.
Yours in delight
CEO
John Redwood has been the Member of Parliament for Wokingham since 1987. First attending Kent College, Canterbury, he graduated from Magdalen College...
Dear CEO,
Should we not have been consulted about a new appointment to such high office? You have the authority to call an EGM at any time, if you want to bring us, the shareholders, along with you.
It is our experience that it is better to do things by consensus, rather than by dictat. If the proposals are really as good as you claim, it should not be difficult to explain them. You could then test our understanding by calling for a vote.
We understand your previous frustration at being forced to follow rules that you did not understand. It’s a pity that your complete lack of empathy means that you cannot appreciate that this is the position you now put us in.
There is, of course, the recent example of your deputy chairperson who has fallen foul of some of the many rules you have devised. I suspect that (in this special case) you will manage to have a quiet word in the appropriate ear, and make all this nastiness go away.
However, you might care to check the long list of those within your management team who have had comparable difficulty. The range of characters involved, and the differences in circumstances should give you a clue as you just how tricky you have managed to make life for the shareholders, who do not share the advantages of your collegues.
I have a suggestion as to how you might make your mark on history. There is currently a little local difficulty with rising water levels in the North West of your sales region. You might recall that there was a King Cnut who sat in front of rising water, an event which has sealed his place in legend. I’m sure that the inevitable death would not deter somebody as keen on displays of courage as yourself.
As far as your becoming a legend is concerned, please remember that at one end of a leg you can often find an a**ehole.
Yours sincerely
Mick Anderson
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This would be highly amusing if it wasn’t true. An excellent piece.
PS Who is Baroness Ashton?
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Ross J Warren Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Baroness Ashton of upholland, is a very nice lady most folk have not yet heard of. She is now a Eurocrat, so we will have to see how this works out, will we not? She will certainly be competent in a labour kind of way. Such is the chess game of the EU.
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John Chaytor Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Baroness Ashton has NO experience of foreign affairs, as she admitted last night on the telly!
Oh, the EU superstate works in mysterious ways.
The first president of the USA was a man respected by all who knew him and knew of him. A truly deserved candidate.
The first president of the EU council is a nobody that no-one really objects to. He is the lowest common denominator. This tells you all you need to know about the EU superstate and its future.
The USA superstate was based on an excellent constitution and the ideals of men who towered over the populous in their intellect and ideals. True democracy was at its heart. They built in checks and balances deliberately to ensure that the populous would never be rules by a tyrant.
The EU superstate is based on grubby ‘back room’ deals and has been forced on the populous without a democratic mandate. The last time this was done in Europe (the Warsaw pact) it eventually came to an end.
The EU will fail eventually.
How long it will take the EU populous to decide that they have had enough is difficult to estimate.
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Ross J Warren Reply:
November 21st, 2009 at 11:47 am
“Baroness Ashton has NO experience of foreign affairs, as she admitted last night on the telly!”
I agree, and as you rightly said she admits as much.
Frankly I am as worried by these Nu-labour style, placements as yourself , as they will have an impact on our next Government. I feel this is a classic example of Labours slash and burn end game. As always though we play the ball and not the man in the world of real politics, and I am saddened by some of the comments others have made about this Lady.
“The USA superstate was based on an excellent constitution and the ideals of men who towered over the populous in their intellect and ideals. True democracy was at its heart.”
I agree, although I do note that it was founded in treason, even if that is not a popular, or constructive thing to say these days. The cost of being in national politics is far too high in the U.S. these days. Which is a great shame. They are of course our freinds and I note we have come a long way in the years as well.
Mark Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
She is a former CND campaigner and treasurer, which I’m sure will make her a big hit in Tehran as the “big 3″ persuade Ahmadi-nejad to complete the dance of the seven veils round his nuclear enrichment locations.
Meantime, as we know the French love to have a course of horse – ahem! horse for the course. In this case, they opted for the Commissioner for the Internal Market and Financial Services as their horse trade for supporting Ashton. According to Le Monde, it was Sarkozy’s sole negotiating objective to secure this role for France.
http://www.lemonde.fr/europe/article/2009/11/19/michel-barnier-va-devenir-commissaire-au-marche-interieur-et-aux-services-financiers_1269609_3214.html#ens_id=1259173
Not that any of these appointments will be put to shareholders (or even their proxies) for their endorsement at a general meeting…
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Baroness Ashton, the beauty queen of QUANGOs and wife of YouGov pollster, Peter Kellner. Still folk trust opinion polls!
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“Yours in delight”
I like that! £9,000 a second, Its an American number if ever I heard one. We are not quite in the American hole and digging to china, but in fact in some ways we are way worse off. America could probably sell off its Government assets and have change left to buy some wacky derivatives with. Here’s one I came up with. Take a Gold Ring and draw around it with a pen. Now you have the signature of the gold value of the ring.
How many signatures could be issued on one little ring? Imagine a gold brick and the principle is established. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? How many derivative trades work on this principle is a matter for discussion.
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Have you checked the salespersons sales figures against the quantity of goods actually going out of dispatch? I fear there might be some discrepancies.
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God, we are way beyond laughing or crying, way down the plughole, way beyond thoughts of revolution, prayer is no help, Dignitas is too expensive for us mere pensioners, Thierry Henry has convincingly exposed yet another “sporting” corruption, Mr Blair is not President of the EU (Oh sorry that’s a good outcome), so what is next?
Dante, eat your heart out.
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Is there any chance that we will see your reports on UK PLC in book form – a bit nearer the election?
Reply: No-one has yet proposed publishing them, but I would be happy if someone did wish to do so in a suitable format.
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Why do the Tories want to win the next election ?
They certainly don’t represent my views and I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Conservative (a real one.) There is but a fag paper between what the Tories represent and what the incumbants represent. I am one of the disenfranchised majority.
I happen to think that a Tory government would be a national disaster. Why ? Because they would get the impression that they have a mandate to keep Britain on more-or-less the same course that it is now. The same-old same-old. No real choice on Europe, green issues, war, crime … a bit of a difference in fiscal/economic policy I’ll give you that.
A repeat of history would occur within months of a Tory victory. The full impact of Brown’s borrowing would hit – all his slash-and-burn tactics blow up in the new government’s face. The blame for the decline of this country would again be caused by a Labour government but associated with a Conservative one.
So here’s my proposal: don’t vote Tory. Let Brown inherit his own poisoned chalice. Labour would be torn assunder by the public revolt that would follow and there would be no escaping culpability.
At the same time the Tory party – straining under the weight of yet another term in exile – would be forced to change into something resembling what their traditional voters actually want … or else die.
Sorry to say it, but the awfulness of the past ten years has been as much the fault of a weak Tory party as a strident Labour party. And much of the legislation which is at the root of a great deal of public angst was brought in under the last Tory government.
Four more years of Labour ? Well I don’t deny that things will have to get a lot worse before they start getting better – but let’s be clear, Mr Redwood. Your party is the problem and not the solution.
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Dear CEO
Yes, it really has been a great week. I was so pleased to see those great October borrowing figures, and of course for decades to come that borrowing will be leading to spending on interest payments, and in turn more borrowing. Our children and grandchildren will remember your efforts with fond respect.
The return of inflation was a real delight. I remember from my youth how much we loved watching those prices changing every week in the supermarket. When I was six I used to get 2p a week pocket money. It was the price of a packet of crisps. Now the kids get 45p a week, I hear. The kids really do feel so much richer, and if crisps are 50p, well, they can always borrow 5p from a friend and learn those spend-and-borrow habits that will serve them so well when they grow up.
Your gambit in Europe was also a masterstroke. Putting in one of your highly trained spending and borrowing operatives into Europe will help ensure that Europe follows the same golden path as the UK. One day, who knows, perhaps a merger may be in order.
Yours
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Dear COE, I fear your HR department has misinformed you. The lady of whom you speak was not a sales lady, and indeed appears to have no experience in the private sector whatsoever but has a great deal of experience in sectors where money appears as if my magic without any work being done by people of graft and enterprise.
I believe I saw her wandering the streets looking at people saying ‘cashpoint!’ ‘another cashpoint!’
Yrs,
A disgruntled shareholder.
Reply: On the contrary she was a great sales Lady for our cause. After all she sold the idea to the Lib Dems of voting down a referendum on our new links with Europe when ConCo wanted to hold a vote we would have lost. That showed great selling skill.
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Dear CEO,
I agree with your choice of promoting our top sales lady to the EuroCo position in respect of her previous sales figures with us at UK Plc, however, I was rather hoping that a candidate of a more PC nature would have been given the opportunity. Should it not have been Ms Harperson or someone of that ilk lined up for this one? I mean, we welcome the inevitable takeover bids, hostile or otherwise that we can expect in the near future. I therefore suggest that we need a character with a bit of ‘oomph’ to negotiate on our behalf whilst at the heart of the Beast. Ms Harperson is well versed in the art of getting her own way and preaching our liberalist views to the great unwashed, why not take advantage of these enviable skills? Either that or send a couple of Rotweillers instead.
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To: CEO.
From: Ethel: Department of Human Resources / Discrimination / Equality and Gender.
Please see following draft of new Employment Rules; effective 1/12/09. I would appreciate confirmation by return.
SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
TOILET USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day.
Please charge the time spent reading this email to ANNUAL LEAVE.
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