Dec 24 2009
Seasons greetings from the CEO of UK PLC
Dear Shareholder,
Be merry. Drink, eat and spend all you can. All those on our payroll will be delighted to know the holiday pay is coming, and it has all been printed specially. I have every pleasure in sending most of you the warmest seasons greetings.
We have focus group tested these well researched remarks. I felt it most important to be as inclusive as possible in the circumstances. Polling told me that any Christian element to the message would be unwise. This after all is a national festival, not just one for one religion.
The message from Bethlehem all those years ago was about the need to tax. In those days the main company in Israel had been taken over by a foreign company, and they made people travel to pay. We are looking into that idea, but not before the Board elections.
This time of year is now a celebration of consumption. We need to consume and spend more, as I keep reminding everyone. It is the ideal festival to help our recovery and to further our aims of never knowingly being underspent or underborrowed. I am not pleased that some of you have been trying to repay your personal borrowings. At a time when our company is making heroic efforts to exceed all past borrowing levels, it is not helpful to have you individually trying to hold us back. So please be joyful, please spend, spend spend. It has in the past been called a bank holiday, but we are banning that phrase in the circumstances.
Some of you will have noticed that I did not feel able to extend my warmest greetings to all. This is because, as you will have seen, we still have a terrible problem with Toffs and Tories. I partly blame my predecessor, who was weak on the toffs. Unkind people say he was partly one himself. I want to reassure you all, my potential followers, that we intend to be very tough on toffs from now on, and on the causes of toffs.
We intend to enforce our laws very strongly against red coated toffs riding horses. We thought we had got this one sorted, but they still persist, even without a fox to chase.
We are mulling over plans for further high taxes on expensive houses. We find it offensive that some people still live in bigger houses than others, despite our big increase in Stamp duties and Council Taxes.
We will continue our attack on posh cars. We reckon our anti motoring policies combined with our new higher taxes on owning and running show off vehicles should start to do the job.
We will extend our attack on high pay. Monstering the bankers has gone very well, as a lot of these wanna be toffs are bankers. We need to ensure that the antagonism to bankers pay does not extend to the pay of our own very successful executives at the top of UK PLC, who deserve their modest rewards that we have managed to extend to them.
So I warn people now. Do not aspire to a large house, for we will tax it. Do not aspire a nice car, for we will seek to drive it off the road. Do not dress up and ride around the countryside, for we will ban it. Do not be enterprising, for we will regulate you tightly. Above all do not try to be cleverer than us, for we are more powerful than you.
I am sure most of you will agree this is the way to a fairer society.I want your seasonal holiday to be happier, safe in the knowledge we care about you and about tackling our class enemies.
It should also give most of you an inner warm glow to know how your company is looking after your interests in this period of global warming. Our priorities are your priorities, which is why I spent last week in a five star hotel in Copenhagen saving the world. Now it is well and truly saved, I can wish most of you the best seasons greetings. Have you noticed how cold its been since we reached that historic agreement? UK PLC delivers results Concon can only dream about.
In the New Year our detoffication policies begin in earnest, so that’s something to look forward to as you cook the turkey.
Yours battling Conco
The CEO
John Redwood has been the Member of Parliament for Wokingham since 1987. First attending Kent College, Canterbury, he graduated from Magdalen College...
Over the last few days I have pulled five people back onto the road in my big nasty 4 x 4 and unlike the state, I did not charge them £150 for the pleasure
http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Snow-Chaos-Drivers-Angry-At-Paying-To-Recover-Cars-After-Being-Advised-By-Police-To-Abandon-Them/Article/200912415507137?lpos=UK_News_First_Home_Article_Teaser_Region_8&lid=ARTICLE_15507137_Snow_Chaos%3A_Drivers_Angry_At_Paying_To_Recover_Cars_After_Being_Advised_By_Police_To_Abandon_Them
Oddly I can’t find this story on the BBC website…
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“Tough on toffs and the causes of toffs” is a great catchphrase that the Conservatives should start to use to ridicule Brown’s class war declaration. Cameron needs something like that to also make clear Brown’s opposition to anyone who even wants to have more money than average. It’s nothing less than a disgusting and wicked appeal to people’s innate jealousy. Unfortunately for Brown I don’t think the British people are in fact particularly given to jealousy and his plan will fail.
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Excellent article: The saddest part is that is seems to be perfectly accurate!
I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas, nevertheless and to thank you very much indeed for providing, quite simply, the very best weblog of all.
And a Happy New Year too!
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John,
Have a very Happy Christmas!
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You don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Like many tories, there’s a side of me that thinks it would be fun to watch if Labour get re-elected, to see them drown in their own mess.
Then the rest of me thinks of what it would do to the country
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Dear CEO
Thank you so much for your cheerful words of festive greeting. Your sentiments are reciprocated.
Not knowing what the next year may bring, I cannot honestly bring myself to wish you a healthy and prosperous New Year in 2010 since my tea leaf reading this morning suggests that next year will not be a happy one for you.
I do however see that UKplc will be the subject of a takeover bid in the first half of the year. This will be so successful that you will have time to travel the world to explain how you have been able to save us all from the flat earthers at Conco.
Perhaps you will have time to write a book to explain why you have been so successful over the last decade and why your policies will continue to guarantee prosperity for the next ten years. It will help all of us to know that you will not be following the route taken by your predecessor who has chosen the path of the rich and greedy.
PS JR thank you for all the time and effort you have devoted to this blog this year. I know that I am not alone in hoping that you will have more important things to do in the next twelve months. Good Luck and Happy Christmas!
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Happy Christmas John and thank you for all your input this year. you have been a breath of fresh air and have certainly made me more knowledgeable and I really hope you play an important part in the next Conservative Government x
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Nicely written piece and raised a smile. I realise you are writing satirically but reading through that letter above if you squint your eyes you can almost feel yourself being transported back in time to 1920’s Soviet Union.
Every article you mention above featured high on the Soviet agenda – religion, middle classes (kulaks), upper classes (aristocracy), bankers (capitalism), bloated public sector many of which are non-jobs simply to keep people off the unemployment register (a favourite Labour refrain – we refuse to make the recession worse by cutting back on public sector employees). Instead of the KGB / shop your neighbour policy we are now world leaders in CCTV and it’s getting to the point where you’ll need a permit to give the neighbours child a lift to school with your own.
Our own form of the much loved travel papers, the ID card, is up in the air at the moment but one day we’ll have it in a new and improved version that will also carry biometrics and DNA, all in the name of fighting our terrorist enemies (mensheviks).
I realise that the UK isn’t really ran on Soviet cant but reading that list above it strikes home just how far along that road this government has brought us from the heady days of New Labour and the Third Way.
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And Mr Redwood, a Happy Christmas to you and yours.
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Dear CEO
Many thanks for your end of year report.
I have to say those toffs (if they ever get in) will never be able to undo what we have set in place for some very considerable time. So our legacy will live on long after I have retired.
On another note
John many thanks for your daily blogs on a whole range of topics, and of course the comments of your readers.
I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas, and let us all for the Nations sake, hope for a more prosperous New Year.
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Dear CEO,
Of all that you say I will especially make sure that I do not try to be cleverer than you, oh most powerful one. Even though I thought I knew the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion I have heard what you have said and now realise that such differences are beyond me, and even if I did get it right the spitefulness of your vengeance would be truly awesome – shock and awe indeed.
Yours humbly, a subservient shareholder.
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Dear CEO
You are achieving negative returns on capital employed and this is set against a falling share price. Your shares will soon be on par with the Euro.
Our company has a huge deficit in its final salary scheme, but your board is still employing more administrative staff, this deficit is not funded, yet your board have taken no steps to close the scheme to newcomers, so the deficit is set to worsen.
Your trading statement has a negative bottom line and you are funding this by borrowing from overseas institutions and are taking no steps to reduce your borrowing.
Instead you’re sending vague messages about trading conditions improving over the next few years that will allow you to reduce the debts without cutting your overheads.
Have you a plan for what will happen if the growth that you predict is not forthcoming? If your lenders insist on higher loan rates and your share price falls further? The cost of your imported raw materials will soar.
I consider that that your approach of “Jam tomorrow” to be misjudged and dangerous and suspect that your lenders are only continuing to lend in the hope and expectation that you will be succeeded at the next AGM by a CEO who will take steps to put the company finances into order.
The safe option to adopt would be to take steps now, to reduce your borrowings.
It would appear to some people that you have given your shareholders a trading statement that meets the employment needs, of you and your board rather than the needs of UK PLC.
You keep informing the shareholders that your company health scheme is the best of all the PLC’s yet it consumes ever large sums of money with a little on the ground improvement. If the scheme is so good then how come other PLC’s are not rushing to copy it?
I note that there is going to be a challenge to you coming up at the next AGM yet you seem to be against the challengers because their ringleader was educated at Eton.
In this regard as a Comprehensive educated boy I can only admire your consistency.
You have always been against such privilege and have always found such people distasteful and you duly advise your shareholders from having anything to do with such managers.
When you eventually leave the board of UK PLC I’m sure that you will steer well of these sorts by avoiding taking advisory roles in companies run by such privileged people. Howver much remuneration they offer up.
I note that there is an AGM in May next year.
Reluctantly I must conclude that despite the fact that you have made such a hash of the company and the prospects with you in charge look appalling.
I do feel obliged to vote for you because you have opened my eyes to the evils of privilege.
Yours
A Shareholder
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The difficulty is that is they cannot reduce where they need to to achieve a balance, then they have to tax more. As the tax base is falling behind increasing outgoings, then there has to be some new or augmented taxes in view. Having dug the pit the government has now fallen into it.
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“And I forgot to say, goodby to boom and bust”
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Dear Mr.Chairman,
Thank you for your annual report.As a long suffering shareholder in UKplc.,I would like you to give some thought to the following.
On a personel level, owing to the strategy you have pursued,I have decided to abandon moving to a larger house. I no longer frequent my local pub, nor do I go to our local restaurants as I do like to enjoy a cigar after dinner.I have sold my large car and now drive ‘a banger’.I have no intention of buying a better car now that I have found out that no one is ever interested in vandalising or stealing my current model.
I now always keep a small overdraft at my bank and have no intention of saving as not only is the ‘aftertax’ interest pathetic, but is vulnerable to a tax grab when in pensionable form.I now prefer real wealth,in the form of hands on commodities.Your unfortunate devaluation of sterling has made trips to Europe about 30% more costly last year, and has somewhat reduced my overall net worth.On this point however, your use of fiscal drag to further pluck the goose is a bit much to swallow. I have advised my grandchildren to think very carefully about applying to University as a £20-30000,overdraft (double if you meet another student and marry) is not the best way of starting life, especially if a 20% deposit is required to get onto the property ladder.
My strategy is now simple. If nothing is done within your next
5year plan to remedy this, I will be disposing of my shares in the company.
To sum up then your term of stewardship has been nothing less than a complete ballsup from start to present and if further pursued will result I feel in not only financial bankruptcy, but also in moral and spiritual.
I wish you a merry Christmas and only hope that you may see the light.
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John
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/business/news/mpc-unanimous-against-printing-more-money-1849337.html
The fuse is alight, the only question is when bomb goes BANG!
John
This has to be seen to happen on “Gordon’s watch”…….some how it must be made to happen NOW. No way “DC” wants to get all grief like “MT” did for Labours miss deeds!
Mike
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What are these big increases in Stamp Duty of which you speak?
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We know that Labour can’t govern wisely for a toffee. They offer lots of humbug and saccharin sweeteners that will give us bad toothache instead. Acute den
tial pain can lead to economic heart attacks following on from the delusions of being best placed, which is impossible since Harriet tells us we’re all equal now, unless we are less equal than others by her lights.Merry Christmas to all, and use your vote wisely should you get one next year.
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A sound fellow who insists on staying in the ‘Blu Labour’ Tory party.
Well, we all make mistakes.
Happy Christmas Mr. Redwood.
In the new year, can we see some of that change from within you have been working so hard to bring about?
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Dear C.E.O.,
I would tug my forelock to you Sir, but sadly my hair has fallen due to alopecia, or at least my Doctor says that is the cause. Strangely I had put it down to the stress of losing my job. At 57 years of age and with no qualifications, I am struggling to find another job, but that is not your fault. I realise that its was those rotten Americans selling mortgages to people like myself that are to blame.
“We are mulling over plans for further high taxes on expensive houses. We find it offensive that some people still live in bigger houses than others, despite our big increase in Stamp duties and Council Taxes” I feel horrible guilty that I no longer pay my council tax, and hope that shortly I will be evicted from my rented home, so I am no longer a drain on the nation. I am sorry to say Sir that I am now a sponger undeserving of the JSA I receive. Some idiot tried to tell me I was entitled to this money, but how can that possible be right? I am truly sorry that I have let you down.
If only I had not been paid so much the company I worked for might not have gone broke. I knew there would be trouble when my wages were almost doubled under the minimum wage. Of course Sir, I know that this was not your fault, but was the result of those wicked Unions. “I spent last week in a five star hotel in Copenhagen saving the world.” Sir we understand,and hope that you enjoyed your accommodation, you work so hard ,and we are so undeserving of the kindness you show us. “Israel had been taken over by a foreign company, and they made people travel to pay.” These people sound like good leaders, I will happily walk to the local government building and pay my council tax, but Sir you must of course Tax my JSA. I can manage on a few pounds a week, and I hear that we are in debt so please find it in your heart to tax me and all those other spongers, we are so undeserving of your generosity. I wish you and your family a happy Christmas, I have enclosed my fathers medals and ask that you sell them and pay the money off my national debt. When I can find a NHS dentist I will ask him to remove my gold tooth and will send that to you, to help rebuild our national finances. I remain your unworthy servant.
Mr Joe Ordinary.
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Happy Christmas.
Thank you for providing this daily blog I’ve enjoyed it.
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Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Mr Redwood.
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Dear CEO
I have never understood why so many people get upset at the idea of higher taxes. Taxes are just another opportunity to spend. Taxes should be fun, just like buying a sofa at DFS. Another chance to run up that overdraft, to make sure your debts are the highest in your street.
Best of all, you have managed to tax us all so heavily without even delivering any extra for the extra money!
To spend is human, to spend without showing any results takes a real genius such as yourself.
Regards
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